The Valley of Despair
The valley of despair is one of the saddest places to be in. I mean, after Nigeria of course.
You see, it’s quite similar to the valley of the shadow of death except that there is no evil to fear. This time, you should be scared of yourself.
Since December 2023, I have been scrolling through different videos on goal setting which roused the algorithm to deluge my brain with similar videos until I had a headache.
The beautiful thing about it is that I still think having ‘New Year’s resolutions’ is fine. Yes, start whenever and if the clarity strikes at the beginning of a new year, embrace it.
I’m not going to talk about discipline here. The only thing I’ve been disciplined with is not punching someone in the face when they annoy me.
No one truly cares about when you set your goals but starting a new year changes a lot, whether you accept it or not.
In fact, If you read ‘12 Week Year’ by Brian Morgan and Michael Lennington, you may interpret intentionality as writing your goals on a piece of paper, folding them one by one, and sticking them on your forehead so that they can cover your face like scraggly chunks of hair to serve as a reminder.
But apart from that, you’re most likely to set your goals in sync with the new year.
Prior to goal setting, I had learned about the ‘first principles thinking’ that Elon Musk used in birthing SpaceX. It’s about breaking a process down to the fundamentals which is more like thinking like a scientist.
Then, I figured that breaking the emotional cycle of change into its fundamentals could be useful.
What is the emotional cycle of change? It’s the process that happens when you make a change in your life.
Change is beautiful. Change is also terrifying. When you start setting goals, nobody cares about the phase you’re in. They’re just telling you to do it—like Nike ambassadors. But there are 5 stages to watch out for.
Uninformed optimism is my favourite. It's also the fastest phase. You see all the benefits and not a single downside. The excitement clouds your brain and makes you feel heady. An inebriating feeling.
I genuinely love this phase because it’s where my smile is the widest, and I don’t even like smiling.
Then comes the Informed pessimism. Here, there’s a shift because reality has clenched its fist to punch you in the left jaw.
You’re scrambling around, frisking your pocket for any weapon to fight back but there’s none.
You suddenly realise that the benefits of your goals don’t seem real or immediate. You ask yourself ‘Is this change really worth it?’ It’s like asking ‘Am I sure I want to lose this bloody weight?’
It gets worse. You enter the Valley of despair. Do you see how steep the curve is? It’s steeper in your emotions. It’s like going back to a toxic ex—very familiar yet dangerous.
The world is caving in. You’re at your lowest. Here, the benefits don’t only seem unreal, but they seem far and unimportant. This is where most people give up. I’m ‘most people’.
The weird thing about this valley is that it is oddly comfortable, especially if you’ve identified with pain for so long.
You may start to just bask in the sadness because it gives you an identity. This is a traumatic, self-sabotaging and devastating inclination.
According to Brian Morgan, the only way to get out of it is to have a vision. A compelling one.
You don’t know how long you’re going to be there. You’re going to watch people take off at different times. You’re going to watch other people start afresh.
From there, you have a good view of the remaining phases. While your head is reclining on the devilish curve, you can massage your knee where it hurts and argue with your self-critic all the time, but again, it’s just a phase.
Boom. The Informed optimism saunters in with a visible trail of hope that stretches your cheeks into a slow grin. You can see the benefits now. You’re positive again. You’ve actually lost some weight. Luka Sabbat finally said yes.
Life is beautiful again. You start settling in the sandbox of good omens that you don’t even notice when you’ve reached the last stage—Success and fulfilment.
Everything is worth it. The cost of change is worth it. Change is more beautiful than terrifying.
This is why I am struggling with the emotional cycle of change. From the Informed pessimism to the Valley of despair, there’s a gaping hole in the middle that makes my blood clump with exasperation and anxiety.
It feels too wide so I have to tame my impatience. Alex Hormozi describes being patient as doing something in the meantime. Although that doesn’t work for everything, it works.
Does knowing about the ‘emotional cycle of change’ change anything? Not really. Does it make the process easier? No. But at least you know. You are prepared.
There is an awareness of these stages and their emotions that help you cope.
Although I dislike the word ‘cope’, it reminds me of survival. That’s something.
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽