It is a rare lullaby singing underneath my skin as the nurse grabs my right arm forcefully—as if it were a mere wooden stick— to measure my blood pressure with the sphygmomanometer that looked older than the building.
The lyrics of this desire crawling on my skin are along the lines of punching her in the mouth, then in her gut so she never raises her chin to ever be condescending.
The image flashes across my mind so vividly that I almost assume she can see it too because she looks at me briefly.
My smile is hidden behind my black nose mask.
Her contempt, behind her nose mask too. We are almost similar.
I watch everything unfold in less than 10 seconds.
Her mercurial temper leading to an exacerbation of simple instructions.
+ her sharp obeisance when a head nurse asks a question.
+ my soul, teeming with mild rage because of her behaviour and a slight discomfort from the nose mask.
On her table is a black-leathered Holy Bible dog-eared, I imagine, at a verse like Jeremiah 29:11 that acknowledges the thoughts God has towards us are of good and not of evil.
I wonder if God can let her glimpse at my thoughts towards her because they are clearly not good.
The head nurse appears in her thick pinstripe suit, screaming at me for coming late.
Her voice is loud enough to make the building cave in and her tongue bears the full weight of a crisp Yoruba accent.
The hospital is presumed to be safe but when you meet these people in charge—behind these doors and dusty windows—it feels like they ought to be admitted in the wards instead.
Lately, I have tried to observe people—including all the mean female workers I have met in the hospital lately—but what has struck me continuously is that my intention has not changed.
I still want to punch all of them in the same spot —their mouths and their guts.
The thing about having these dark desires is the acceptance of their normalcy. Special thanks to Robert Greene for this rare validation.
But now, you are reading this and you may be uncomfortable.
Like a typical human being, when you hear about dark qualities in humans, you rummage your soul for your ever-present moral compass, adjusting it with precision, and excluding yourself from this perspective.
It is not you. It is them.
They are the ones who are irrational, passive-aggressive, envious or narcissistic.
How can it be you?
Instead of admitting superficially that something came over me, I understand that my primitive nature has led to the irrational behaviour I have just thought of displaying.
I have not totally gotten rid of my moral compass but at least, I can acknowledge that I am a human being who has both positive and negative forms of human behaviour.
This behaviour stems from our animal roots which we have been taught to deny and repress.
I have dark impulses. There, again. I said it.
Why do you think you are in control?
Why do you think you are acting of your own free will when in reality, you are unaware of the susceptibility of your emotions?
Again, I have observed that people like you when you are more tolerant.
It makes more sense to suspend your emotions (because I cannot get rid of them yet).
I have to force myself to understand that human beings are dealing with emotions and issues that have more depth than I can imagine.
So when they project their anger, and frustration on me—like the head nurse screaming for no reason even after calmly explaining the reason for the apparent delay— I can see above it.
I know that they are not relating to me as an individual so I have to start taking things less personally.
But how do I get to this stage?
Tolerance stems from an acceptance of bullshit, not in a foolish way but with heightened awareness.
Humans have two opposite selves. The lower and the higher self.
The lower self has impulses that make you feel superior to others.
The higher self is the one that makes us thoughtful and self-aware.
Connecting to the higher self requires effort. An effort that I am expending all my willpower for.
If people are essentially foolish, they leave clues to this in the smallest of details that you can pick up well before their behaviour harms you.
- Robert Greene.
I have picked many clues here.
When you are aware of your passive-aggressive tendencies (for instance considering you meet health workers that test your patience), it helps you realize you are not superior to others.
This is because toggling with your favourite moral compass makes you feel superior, embracing only your good part.
Instead, you will accept yourself as complete, and fling the hallowed image of yourself as a sexy saint into the bin.
You will be more of yourself.
I am learning to identify people in advance, foresee their actions and maintain emotional balance.
No need to be blindsided.
The next worker I meet to collect my result who almost deafened me with her high-pitched and endless Yoruba-nuanced wails earlier is looking at me with a smirk.
I have watched the playful roll of my name on her tongue as her acclaimed namesake that I must not deny.
There is a small cupboard where she keeps the money she forcefully asks from people.
It is my turn. I smile back.
My smiie is fake so it only pulls at the outside corners of my mouth.
Her lips stretch greedily as she takes the money from my hand and squeezes it, in exchange for my blood test results.
She folds the money in the small cupboard and calls my name again.
I have darker desires.
“I have darker desires”
Feels like I just read a prologue to a murder series
A really good one
Goddamnit….. It’s so effin surreal.
Take your flowers aunt LABAKE 💐