Calm, Unshaken

Someone died today.

Someone died here today in the Accident and Emergency Ward and my eyes lingered for a moment at the limp body. 

I was not distracted by the woman rolling on the floor or her shrill voice bouncing off the walls until it started to bounce off the walls inside my head.  

However, my disposition remained calm, unshaken. 

This is what I have learnt over time—to be calm and unshaken.

When a senior pharmacist described the process of inserting an intravenous cannula or when he explained how to take a sample of cerebrospinal fluid from the lower back, it made me uneasy. 

I didn’t even realise my face was contorted in discomfort or that I was clenching my fist until he told me. 

Then, he paused to remind me that I am a pharmacist, and so I cannot react like that. 

I am supposed to act calm, and unshaken. 

Anytime I see the dull yellowish colour of antimalarial drugs from afar or up close, sometimes it triggers my sense of taste and I can swear that my taste buds have embraced this bitterness. 

As a result, my face single-handedly expresses this irritation without the approval of my brain.

I may sigh multiple times until people remind me that I am a pharmacist and I wonder if the title is meant to evoke the love for dull yellowish drugs and the like. 

I have been learning how to be calm and unshaken because most people are.

Because it is professional. 

Last week, there was a psychiatric patient in the ward who demanded that his tied hands be loosened else he wouldn’t allow the doctors to treat his bruised forehead. 

They loosened him eventually because he was bleeding and he kept causing a scene

Even after multiple doses of sedatives given intramuscularly, he remained unshaken.

My paranoia tripled because he was less than three feet from the door where I was. 

I froze for some minutes until I was advised by the senior pharmacist to avoid eye contact with him and stay away from the door. 

He wanted me to act calm and unshaken. 

A few days ago, the head of my unit reminded me not to protest and said something along the lines of supporting the president and I looked away immediately. 

I feared that if he looked at me, my caustic stare would burn him. I remembered to be calm, and unshaken. 

Different things are happening.

A woman wants me to help her because she has so many unused infusions sold to her previously but I can’t.

I tell her that this is a pharmacy and we’re not the ones that collect money.

I understand her pain but I remain calm and unshaken even while saying it. 

Another patient’s relative has asked if we sell toothpaste and my irritation flows from my stomach to my oesophagus like an acid reflux.

I look away and before I snap, I remember to be calm, and unshaken.  

Dan Sullivan is talking about making recovery a priority and I am not sure this chapter is for me.

He did not say this but I think for you to act calm and unshaken, then you have to make sure you don’t burn out.  

Therefore, you have to insert recovery into your routine.

I feel drained within but the problem is that the recovery Dan describes is peaceful, like a different activity. Like a walk, like creating meaningful connections. 

I can’t take a walk by 9 pm, Dan. I can’t create meaningful connections if I can’t think straight too. 

He is seducing me by referring to Michelangelo and even Lebron James.

He goes as far as including snippets of Lebron’s interview where his trainer and recovery specialist admitted to making sure Lebron prioritizes recovery and the remarkable difference. 

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I stop reading immediately because the relatives of the deceased want to know the price of the items the doctor used. 

I look at them and notice that their disposition is calm and unshaken. 

I am surprised but I stretch my hand to give them the bill, calm and unshaken too.